


The Undercover Industry

by Addleton



Series: The Wash Porn Saga [3]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Canon Compliant, Humor, M/M, Pre-Slash, kimbalina if you squint, sargington
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:21:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22637491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Addleton/pseuds/Addleton
Summary: General Kimball and Agent Carolina uncover contraband of a certain salacious nature. The subjects: Wash and Sarge.Wash and Sarge are scandalized.
Relationships: Agent Carolina & AI Program Epsilon | Leonard Church, Agent Carolina & Vanessa Kimball, Agent Carolina/Vanessa Kimball, Sarge & Agent Washington (Red vs. Blue), Sarge/Agent Washington (Red vs. Blue)
Series: The Wash Porn Saga [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/524845
Kudos: 18





	The Undercover Industry

**Author's Note:**

> Boo, motherfuckers!
> 
> I've been stuck on the middle of this one for a while, but the beginning and end are ready to go. It's also been ages since I've posted anything, so here's hoping this kicks me back into ficwriting gear.

“Ah. Agent Washington. Colonel Sarge. I apologize for calling you here so suddenly. Please take a seat.”

The two men sat in the chairs in front of the desk, looking between the seated General and the Freelancer standing behind her.

Wash inclined his head at the two women. “General Kimball. Carolina. Is there something wrong?”

Carolina set a thick file folder on the desk and pushed it towards Wash. “Take a look.”

With only a brief moment of hesitation and a quick glance at Sarge, Wash picked up the folder and opened to the first page. He froze, flipped to a page closer to the middle, and then began frantically flipping and scanning the pages at speed. “Is this...?!” he trailed off before his voice could reach the pitch of a dog whistle.

“What?” Sarge pushed himself into Wash's personal space, shoving a hand down onto the page Wash was about to flip, pinning the paper in place so he could read. The Red soldier froze then snatched the file out of Wash's slightly trembling hands to get an even closer look before he started flipping through the pages, the increasing vibrations of the folder the only indication of Sarge's emotional state. “Where did you get this?” he eventually asked, his gruff voice unusually flat.

Kimball breathed out slowly before answering. “Agent Carolina recently unearthed an underground fanfiction ring. That was one of the items she retrieved during the raid.”

“Whaaat?!” screeched Wash as he stood up and began to pace.

“How many copies?” demanded Sarge, standing up to pound Kimball's desk emphatically.

Kimball took another deep breath before calmly replying, “I don't have the exact numbers here, but suffice it to say, a lot.”

“And that's without considering the other installments in the series,” Carolina added, still standing steady beside Kimball's chair.

Wash froze as Sarge spluttered. “This is an outrage! A scandal! A violation of the most basic levels of common decency! Who would dare do such a thing?!”

Kimball kept her voice carefully neutral. “We were hoping you could tell us.”

Wash choked and began coughing while Sarge became incoherent.

“You thought  _ we _ were behind this?”  Wash squeaked, incredulous, after getting his breath back.

“It never hurts to cover all the bases,” Carolina teased.

“Regardless, considering the... subjects... and your positions within the United Army, we felt it necessary to inform you of this find.”

“Do you have any ideas who might be behind this?” Carolina asked, her helmet carefully tilted to convey professional curiosity.

“Normally, I'd point to Grif,” Wash began, beginning to pace again, “but a few days ago, Tucker made a lewd comment involving Sarge, and, well, I'd always thought turning green was an exaggeration before then.”

Sarge cackled and concluded, “Probably a Fed, then.”

Carolina shook her head. “Unlikely. There are a lot of details that only someone who had lived with the both of you for some time would be aware of.”

“Such as?” asked Wash.

“The freckles on your—”

“Oh my god,” Wash said, cutting Carolina off before she could reveal all the sordid details.

Sarge snorted. “Son, everyone knows about those freckles. When you room with Donut, you learn right quick that personal information is never... person...al...  _ Hrmmm _ .”

Sarge and Wash looked at each other.

“You don't think—”

“Makes sense.”

Wash and Sarge turned as one to look at General Kimball.

“Please excuse us. We need to have a...  _ talk _ with Private Donut.”

Kimball nodded. “By all means.”

“Dismissed.”

The two team leaders turned about face, their synchronicity still unbroken, and exited with barely suppressed haste, the door swishing shut behind them.

Kimball sat carefully still in her chair as Carolina walked to the door panel, engaged the lock, and turned to face the New Republic General before they both dissolved into helpless laughter.

A few minutes later, helmet off and tears streaming from her eyes, Kimball gasped for air from where she was bonelessly splayed over top her desk. “I wish I could have seen the looks on their faces,” she managed to choke out between giggles.

Carolina wasn't in much better shape, curled up on the floor, her face almost as red as her hair. She hiccuped in between giggles. “Just— _ hic _ —imagining them is— _ hic _ —enough.”

“ _ God _ ," Kimball said, wiping the tears away with the back of her hand, "I haven't laughed this hard in years.”

“It— _ hic _ —hurts but I— _ hic _ —can't stop.”

And that sent Kimball into another fit of uncontrollable laughter.

Several minutes later, after they had both calmed down and Carolina was no longer hiccuping every few seconds, Kimball sighed heavily and dropped her face into her hands. “We are terrible commanders.”

Carolina shrugged, perched on the corner of Kimball's desk, fingers thoughtfully drumming atop the helmet settled next to her hip. “You're human, too, Vanessa, and the more pressure you're put under, the more important it is to find fun wherever you can. Otherwise, you'll just run yourself into the ground along with everyone following you.”

“Sounds like you have firsthand experience.”

Carolina looked off to the side, one corner of her mouth twitching up into a grimace of a smile as her fingers stilled. “You could say that.” She picked up one of the pages littering Kimball's desk, her smile turning more genuine, if bemused. “I can't believe you actually enjoy reading these. I couldn't even finish the first one.”

Kimball leaned back in her chair with a grin, her fingers laced together behind her neck as she began stretching out a crick. “Oh, the writing quality dramatically improves after the first installment.”

Carolina looked at her, an eyebrow raised. “Really?”

“Yes. I think the writer found themself a decent editor, and, technical issues aside, there are a lot of genuinely sweet moments built upon mutual respect.”

A second eyebrow shot up to join the first as Carolina's eyes lit up. “You ship it,” she said, tone more gleeful than incredulous.

Kimball laughed. “When someone hands you a pile of cargo, how can you not?” She tilted her head to look at Carolina sidelong before asking, her tone far too innocent, “Think you could track down copies of the rest of the series?”

Carolina chuckled. “I'll see what I can do. Though, shouldn't we be putting a stop to this?”

“Hm…” Kimball brought her arms down to rest her elbows on the desk, propping her chin on her clasped hands, as she thought about it. “Normally I'd agree, but…”

“But?”

“The hit to morale aside, they read less like smutfic and more like very passionate love letters.”

Carolina frowned and hummed as she considered those points, arms crossed over her chest. “We should still be discouraging it on principle. Imagine if we found similar stories written about us.”

Kimball shuddered. “Point taken.”

Carolina shrugged. “Knowing them, Wash and Sarge will put a stop to it on their own.”

“I only hope they do so as un-dramatically as possible.”

Carolina snorted. “Well, there's hope, and then there's contingency plans to be made.”

Kimball sighed and shook her head ruefully. “We are going to run out of fire extinguishers at this rate.”

“I'm amazed we still have any,” Carolina said wryly.

Kimball laughed at that. “So am I.”


End file.
